Love Your Uniqueness

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Hearts at Home
Lately, my black dresses have gotten more of a workout than I would like.  I have attended 2 funerals within a month and will most likely be attending another one within the next several weeks or months.  The first funeral was for my grandmother who was 91 years old.  She gave me my first bath and I held her hand as she took her last breath.  We were not expecting her death to come as quickly as it did, but her health and her mind had been deteriorating over the years.  The second funeral was for a friend of mine who would have been 53 this week.  Her death took me completely by surprise and left me with guilt, regret and a call to action.  I call her a dear friend, even though we had not seen each others in years, so I did not know that her breast cancer from 8 years ago had come back with a vengeance.  She had been on my mind, but everyday life had taken priority over catching up with a friend, and I was left with saying good-bye to a casket.
When you go to a funeral there is the usual looking back at the person's life.  What they did, what was important to them, whose lives they touched.  It gives one cause to examine your own life and wonder what sort of impact you are making on the world around you.  We can get caught up in all we haven't done or relive past victories, but both robs us of today.  We can also get caught up in what we like about ourselves or what we don't like about ourselves, but neither one really embraces all of who we are.  None of us are perfect, but we all have a special place in the world.  We all have our own unique set of gifts, quirks and challenges, that make us perfectly suited for what God wants us to do.  And chances are we are uniquely suited to touch someone's life in just the way they needed it.  We may or may not know how many lives we touch or how deeply, but we can do our best to love ourselves and therefore love others around us deeper.  We cannot give away what we do not have, so the more we love our own uniqueness, the better we can love and appreciate others.
I still have a long way to go, but I am having a few more moments where I realize I'm a pretty cool person.  And I'm learning to shorten the times for my pity parties.  (Don't want to shorten too much though since I'm vertically challenged, but that means I can wear sassy heels!)

Love? Your Struggles

Welcome to the Third Thursday Bog Hop with Hearts at Home!http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/jillsavage/hlLQ/~3/ETVEsgsFuas/
Hmmm.  Love Your Struggles, huh?  I've read the scripture about "being thankful in all circumstances", but it is usually followed quickly with some disclaimer about "that doesn't mean you have to be thankful for the circumstance."  It seems perfectly acceptable to grin and bear it while gritting your teeth, as long as we can find some silver lining or thank God we aren't as bad off as someone else.  I can live quite comfortably with that, even though not always very happy.
But lately, I have been challenged to "take it up a notch".  Through several Bible Studies, things I've read, listened to or just felt in my heart, God wants me to see and embrace the beauty in those less than pretty places of my life.
I have dealt with depression to varying degrees for many years, which is terrifying to admit in a public forum such as the internet, in large part because most people I know around town wouldn't believe it.  They see me as such a happy, positive person who has everything going for her.  I have worked hard for that reputation and put on my happy face when my insides were churning, but it has come with a price.  I have a very nicely decorated pit where I go all alone, because "what would people think if they really knew?"
Lately, though, I have invited a few people in and started some redecorating.  Part of the redecorating is realizing that my depression causes me to lean on God more.  Whatever the cause is at the time, be it hormonal, chemical, bad attitude, hunger, sleep deprivation, fight with spouse or simply that the rings of Saturn didn't line up that morning, I have turned to God.  I've come to thank Him for those moments and pray I will continue to draw closer to Him.  I still have moments where I am far from grateful, but I also have more moments of genuine joy.
I have also learned to be a little easier on myself.  I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting better at focusing on how far I've come.  I have so many other things that I struggle with, but I also know that many other people struggle with some of the same things.  I dream of a day when my struggles can help encourage others, especially moms.  Even while I flop around with "my act" scattered in a thousand different directions, maybe I can encourage someone else to enjoy their zig zagged path through life a little more and love themselves more.

Embracing the Perfectly Imperfect Holiday

Welcome to the Third Thursday Blog Hop!  Hearts At Home

Our topic this month is "No More Perfect Holidays".  Most appropriate seeing as how we are fast approaching what I lovingly refer to as the "Holiday Hyper-Drive".  You know what I am talking about.  That time between Thanksgiving and Christmas, where no matter how hard you have tried to shop ahead, plan ahead and schedule margin into you schedule, everything seems to speed up and run at the speed of light (Christmas lights that is).  Last you looked, you still had 30 days til Christmas, plenty of time to decorate the house, bake cookies, shop for presents and wrap, then you blink and you only have a few days and it looks like Santa's Workshop vomited all over your whole house.

I admit I have dreamed about the "perfect" holiday.  In my mind it looks like the house beautifully decorated, clean, neat and organized, time to bake lots of Christmas cookies and make some thoughtful homemade gifts, presents under the tree with pretty bows, lights on the house, attending Christmas parties and, of course, spending quality time with my family making warm holiday memories.  What really makes it all "perfect" is that I am able to gracefully navigate all the events and activities while remaining stress-free and looking cute!  Then I wake up.

Honestly though, looking back, the holidays I remember are the ones where things were not perfect.  Like the year we had an ice storm and there was no power when my son was only 3 months old.  There was the year my oldest daughter spent Christmas morning alternating between unwrapping presents and vomiting.  Then there was New Year's Eve when my son clogged the upstairs toilet and it overflowed.  Water was cascading down the dining room chandelier onto the table set with crystal and china for our dinning party in an hour.  The next year my daughter fell and broke her arm while I was in the shower with shampoo in my hair.  I told my son she would have to wait a minute. 

Looking forward to this holiday season, I don't want a crisis to remember (nobody does), but I do want to remember what is really important.  When you look at the word "perfect" in the Bible, it really means completion, something that is mature, integrity, wholeness, authenticity, consistency.  So a perfect holiday would be one that is real and authentic.  I want to bake cookies because I enjoy it and I want to spend time with my kids, not because other people expect me to.  If I get a little sleep deprived and cranky, it is okay, and I should be kind to myself.  The holidays are times where ordinary moments like sharing a meal, reading a story, tossing reindeer food, giving gifts, and spending time with friends become special memories.  I want to embrace the whole holiday season and be okay when things don't go the way I expected or look the way other people want. 

Maybe I'm still dreaming, but don't pinch me yet.  I'm enjoying the vision of frazzled hair, flour on the counters, dog hair on the floor and happy kids surrounded by piles of wrapping paper.

A Monday

I realize this is Wednesday, but wanted to write about Monday.  You know when you go to bed with all the expectation of starting the week off right, but wake up the next morning with the alarm chasing away all the positive energy you might have had?  Of course, God has been impressing on my with all the subtlety of a 2x4 that I need to watch what I say and be thankful.  I need to keep my words positive and have an attitude of gratitude.  So of course, Monday morning arrives with its usual cheeriness, exhaustion from a busy weekend, cranky kids, coffee maker just not fast enough and my Bible Study on James and a fiery tongue taunting me.  As if that wasn't enough, I barely had enough time to get a short work out in at the gym before going to work since everything took longer than expected and the snooze button was on repeat mode (hmm, wonder how that happened?!).  I arrive at the gym, put my bag in the locker room and see an aquaintance.  I giggle as I remember the stories she has told of people forgeting their undergarments and inconvenience and discomfort it creates.  Then that niggle in my head went off, followed by a sick feeling of dread in my stomach.  Yep, you guessed it!  For all my trying to plan ahead and pack my bag the night before, complete with 2 tops to choose from and jewelry, I forgot my underwear.  Fortunately, rather than my head spinning off its axis and spitting pea soup all over the locker room, I managed to laugh (more now than then) and calmly walk back out of the gym to go home.  I had just enough time to take a shower and get fully dressed before rushing off to work.  All this and it was only 9:30 in the morning.
I can now say (on Wednesday), "thank you God" for holding me together, cause this cracked pot was about to fall to pieces by Monday evening.  And thank you that I have another funny story to tell.

No More Perfect Homes

Welcome to the Third Thursday Blog Hop with Hearts at Home!
So we are supposed to write about not having perfect homes.  That is almost too easy to write about.  Now I admit I do try to pick up and put "my best foot forward".  The Mommy Monster does show up when the kitchen has exploded for several days and the dust bunnies are large enough for saddles!  But for several years now I have told people that my gift is hospitality, not entertaining.  I realized if I stressed out and wanted my house "perfect" before inviting anyone 1) I wouldn't enjoy the company when they came and 2) I would never have anyone over.  Life is much more fun when you share it with people.
I also come from a long line of "starters".  I am very good at starting projects and getting them "mostly done", but then seem to move on before it is completely done.  I am working on that and with God's help I have actually completed a few projects around the house, but there is still a constant stream of unfinished items around the house.
Most of all, embracing my imperfect house allows me to tell some great stories and practice making lemonade out of lemons. A few years ago we noticed our bedroom ceiling sagging 6-7 inches over the bed.  Our response...quick, turn the lights out and pray, "now we lay me down to sleep, please God don't let the ceiling come crashing down on us tonight!"  In order to more fully apprectiate this situation, I need to tell you that we have a radiant heat system in our home and the ceiling is several inches of concrete with copper pipes full of water runing through it.  It would leave a mark if it fell!  The next day, my husband had some friends come over and they devised a system of 2x4s and 4 metal poles to hold the ceiling up until the best way of fixing it was discovered.  I had an indoor pergola in my bedroom!  After a few months, I decided I had to make the best of it and that wasn't going to include music and a trench coat (way too many comments about the poles from friends, wink, wink).  So I went to Wal Mart, purchased some silk flowers and ivy and proceeded to decorate the pergola using the staple gun and some pretty blue gauze material as an accent!  Then at Christmas, I went to the Dollar Store and got some glitter snowflakes.  They almost made it for 2 Christmases.
After about a year and a half, we said good-bye to the pergola and re-attached the ceiling using screws about every 3-4 inches along every beam.  You can still see all the screws and the crack in the ceiling and we also have the raw sheet rock around the sliding glass door to the porch from over a year ago.  Add to that, we recently moved the door into our bathroom over to accomadate a new closet so we have raw sheet rock on the other side of the bedroom and missing tile going into the bathroom.  I honestly don't remember what my bedroom looks like without holes in it!
During this whole time, we had many cookouts with friends and even hosted a wedding reception in our backyard (we did plant a lot of new plants and didn't let anyone upstairs!) My house is not perfect, but it's a perfect place to live and enjoy with friends and family.

Job Experience

Why is it that even after over 17 years of experience, I can still feel clueless as a mom?  After several years of doing other jobs, most people atleast feel competent, if not close to comfortable or maybe even expert.  Somehow motherhood does not work the same way.
I love my kids and they are good kids, normal, but good overall.  Every now and again I start feeling like I am doing okay, and then it happens....  Maybe God thinks I am getting prideful and need some humility or maybe my kids want to keep me on my toes, but something new comes up and I am dumbfounded again, feeling like a complete idiot and nominated for the Worst Mom Award.
I want so much to be a great mom and raise confident, independent young adults.  I want to be able to handle situations with such grace and wisdom that my kids and husband will sing my praises.  Then I get out of bed or the kids come home from school and reality strikes.  Interesting thing is, those things I struggle with myself (weakness, issues, flaws...), bug me the most when I see them in my kids.  Logically one would think if I have not "gotten the hang of it" after 29+ years (no I am not sharing the actual years), I would be understanding and patient with my kids.  Oh no, just the opposite.  I want to scream, smack them and shake them and say "Get rid of this NOW!  You don't want to deal with this when you are older!!!"
I still want to be a great mom, but I am getting better at forgiving myself for blowing it.  After all, I have had A LOT of practice blowing it.  Then I remember a phrase I learned early on in my mothering. I will trust God to fill in the gaps where I mess up, because I will mess up.  Someone else said the other day "If Iwere normal, my kids would have no character."
Maybe when I am a grandma I will feel a little more competent as a mom, but until then I will keep doing my best and praying that God will fill in the gaps.

P.S. The book No More Perfect Moms will be great anytime, but you get lots of extra freebies when you order Feb 4-9.

The Knots Prayer

This spoke to me today as I was picking up my messy office and thinking of all the things I "had not gotten to".
May it encourage you.


The Knots Prayer

Dear God.
Please untie the knots
that are in my mind,
my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots,
the can nots and the do nots
that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,
may nots,
might nots that my find
a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,
would nots and
should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all
Dear God
I ask that you remove from my mind
my heart and my life all of the "am nots'
that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought
that I am not good enough.
Amen.

-Author Known to God